You're gone. Memories will always be in my heart.
I slept at 3+am last night. Not only that night, its almost a month. Things come and go that often. I always seems to be bothered. Seems to have so many things kept in my heart. When did I learn to keep things in my heart? I've totally no idea.. Maybe it's when I realized by telling, it makes no difference, no changes, of no help.
So what is the point by telling?
I don't wish to tell everyone about this. Bcoz I found this is not the proper things to share with people. Even ted-B. I know there's so many people worrying about me, caring me, concern about me. But, do they really truly 100% treat me that way?!
ARGHHHH~~!!
I guess this is the only post I'll share and post up in my blog. Coz I don't know who can I talk to. I don't wanna let ted-B to know so much about this. It will affect his concentration on work. I've blah too much and you guys still thinking what is that 'thing' that makes me so down, right?
K, is about
FAMILY.
After a year, both Dad & Mom done their major operation. (sorry! I'm not going to mention what happened on them) They seems to change a lot! I repeat, is
A LOT! If they change to be better at least I feel happy with it. But....NOT! Dad is better much than my Mom. After his op, he knows how to take care of his health. Not for my Mom.
Dad need 5 years to confirm that he's save. God bless! I know my dad can save. I know God is always be there for him. For Mom, she still not 100% perfect. and, of course there's no more 100% in her. The most only 90% an above. Everyone is giving her advises, encourage her to do more exercise, this and that.
Alright. No more about Dad. More about Mom. Coz things happened and go start from her. :(
People all around her is giving her so much support that she'll be able to walk perfectly like normal people. No more like 'ah ma'. But, of course she needs to do exercise. One word in her mind is
LAZY. Haihz...
As her hubby, advise her million billion trillion of times to do more exercise. Sent her to KL for a check-up and done some physio w/out saying a word LAZY and w/out fail travelling every week. Did she think about my Dad?!
As I'm her daughter which she think I'm just a useless one for her. Nevermind! I keep supporting her too. Does she appreciate me and Dad?!
Year by year, I'm 21 years old now. I should be able to make my decision on my own things. From young, I never make them to worried about my study or anything. I do on my own. When they scolded me, I'm just
SILENT! I never climb on their head at all!!! No matter I'm the one who wrong/not, I still will silent for them, listen to them. But now, sorry I can't be silent anymore.
I really respect my parents. I want a happy family which I can really feel the warmth and happiness. I do respect my Dad a lot. Until today I never mad/anything to him. Coz I know Dad always blah so much also because of us. Nothing much. Want me to be a good one in future. I know that! But, for Mom, she will talk shits much than giving advise.
I kept argue with my mom. The way she talked to me, the words she used. Is so fucking terrible, ok! She throw all her temper to me.
" I'm just a SANDWICH "Like I said, they will never say anything in front of my bro tho is my bro fault and it's not mine. They will just scold/throw their temper on me. I'm not the wrong person. Why u all want to scold me?! I know my sis is too young and know nothing so just forget about her. But, why I'm the one who always get scolded by you?!
Do you know how I feel each and everytime u scolded me like nobody business?! Do u know I have my own feeling too?! Do you really listen what I say?! Do I really have a chance to say everything in my heart?!
I become that tough w/out dropping my tears in front of you (eventhough is not my fault most of the time) is because I don't want to let u know how deep u hurt me w/ all ur words. Cut deep down in my heart. Cut my heart into pieces...
Do you realise who is the good and who is the bad one?! No matter how u mad/scold at me. I never hate u at all. I just let everything go. But, in my heart there's always a deep scar.
Day by day, the word you used is getting more serious. Hurt my heart kaokao. I slept late at night everyday because the pain in my heart is always there when I think of the way u talked to me.
I cried alone in the middle of the night.. Who knows?! You know that?! You piggying and enjoying urself in z-land. What about me?! Hell...
I'm trying not to be rude when I talked with u. No more Mom. Each time u talked with me, u just wanna quarrel with me. So, no choice. I've to be rude on you tho I feel hurt each time I talked with you that way.
I won't say/talk much with you from now onwards. I'll talk with u when u're nice to me. Serious. I prefer I don't talk than I talk. Just let u to hurt me. Say everything u want. As long as u're happy with it.
I'm so bloody scared when people asking me about this. I can answer. But, deep in my heart, its start crying. The pain kept coming and go. =(
Time will prove to you whether I'm a good daughter to you / just a useless one.
Ok, enough of sharing with you guys!
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Dear Grandma,
(which I called her 'Ma Ma' in cantonese)
She leave us just that way for almost 4years..
Things changed after she has departed from this world.
I'm not that happy anymore w/out her.
I don't know who to talk to when I'm sad..
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Ma Ma, I really wish you're still here w/ me
No one called me 'YanYan' anymore since the day u're gone
I really hope u can see w/ ur own eyes
I'm suffering here
Come to my dream
Talk with me
what should I do to make all the things come back to the normal one
If I could see you in real again
I got a lot of things to talk w/ u
hug u tightly
kiss u like the way I used to kiss u last time
I so wanna pay a visit to u when I'm in KL
but, I know they will not bringing me there
If I'm alone to KL
promise u, I'll pay a visit to u
Ma Ma, please come to my dream
I really need u
I can't sleep every night
The pain is killing me
I know you can help
Please come~
My graduation ceremony coming soon on 25th July
I'm so wish u're there w/ me
seeing ur happy smile
taking photos w/ u
Ma Ma....Rest in Peace...
I love you always!
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" I may look happy at the outside..But you never knew what's deep down "
PS: If you think you wanna comment this post, and there's no comment column for you. Kindly email to me at im.nicoleseet@gmail.com
Labels: pain, sad, unforgettable
♥ Our lips must always be sealed...
3:28 PM
Wednesday, July 8, 2009